How To [C]Harm The Ladies

So you finally got the nerve to ask that babe of a girl out on a date. If you want to win this girl's heart, you gotta do it the right way. You need to show her the real you, and nothing shows the real you like a pretty okay time. With my alright dating tips, you should be able to score that second date.

So Where Do You Go?

This is always a tough call. The location sets the tone for the date. Having it at a 5 star restaurant is too stressful because of all the forks they give you and having it at McDonalds is too good to be true, so you gotta find a place where you're comfortable. Where are you most comfortable? Your bachelor pad. Have her over to your love palace and treat her to a decent night. Make the place all romantic and such. Light some candles, spray your Old Spice body spray around the room, and get that mood set.

What To Wear?

This is your big night, man. In an ideal world, you would go for the James Franco look. But in all seriousness, you're gonna end up with the Seth Rogen look pictured below.

It's not a bad thing! Although you won't have the girls drooling over you, you'll get the pity "Awwww he's so cute in like a best friend way!" It may not seem like much, but let's be real, you'll take what you can get.

Despite what society may tell you, chicks really dig the pretty okay look. The loose and crooked tie shows that you could be professional, but you like to have a good time instead. Also, the sweat stains on your shirt are actually a turn on for girls. When they see the sweat marks, they think "Oh, he has sweat stains, he must have gotten them by working out. He must be ripped." Little do they know, you got them from going down 2 flights of stairs for the vending machines with the cinnamon pop tarts. Dress to kind of impress.

Date Time!

She's here! You hear her coming down the hallway and things start to get real. You start to panic. You run some mouthwash through your mouth and accidentally swallow some, you spray on some cologne but think you put on too much and now you're self conscious, the nerves are kicking in. But, don't let it get to you. Calm yourself.

When she gets there, you need to greet her with confidence. You don't want to keep her waiting, so open the door right after the second knock. It shows dedication. You should answer with a cute face and a pinch of sexiness. A perfect example is shown below:

Knock Knock. Who's There? Your future husband, that's who.

Now that she's there, it's time to get datin'.


You wanna cook her something that you know you're good at, and if there is one thing that pretty okay guys are good at cooking, it's cereal. Cereal is the universal love language. Everyone has a favorite kind and everyone eats it. It may not be the best meal, but it's a meal nonetheless.

If you play your cards okay, this is what your date will look like:

Love is kind of in the air!

See, this date is going pretty okay! She may be on her phone, but hey, at least she's still there! She's probably texting her friends saying how awesome of a time she is having.

If you notice, there are some very nice margarita glasses in front of us. I don't have anything nice to fill them with, but they look like I know what I'm doing, which is all that matters.

To set the mood, you should have some T-Pain playing in the background. Nothing says love making like the very average hit "Buy U a Drank." Chicks sometimes love that song.

The hard part about dates is keeping the conversation going. Conversations can be so hard to maintain, so it is crucial that you have your topics mapped out. Here are some of my go-to talking points for you to try out!

• Do you watch the show Everybody Loves Raymond? That grandpa is just so sassy!
• What do you think of the movie The Mummy? Brendan Fraser is such a good actor.
• What do you think of my new pair of New Balance sneakers?
• Have you tried the new special at Red Robin?

Your date will notice all of the sub-par efforts you are putting forth and see some potential in you. Seeing potential means potential second dates. Now that most of the date is complete, it is important to close it out strong.


The Goodbye

This is the worst part. The amount of stress that a man feels, when saying goodbye, is unreal. There is this awkward pressure to kiss her, but you don't know if she wants to, so you do like an awkward stare and wait for someone to make a move. Then you wonder if even a hug is appropriate. Should you just shake hands? But your hands are wicked clammy, so that will be embarrassing too. These sort of thoughts run through your head and you end up with this.

If all else fails, go with the high five

Goodbyes are just God awful. Just painful for everyone involved. I don't really have tips for this part. You just gotta put on your big boy pants and go through it.

After that, you're done! Overall, it should be a pretty alright night. You showed who you truly are and you treated her to a tolerable time. What else more can you ask for? After a night like this, you'll be getting chicks about once every 6 months. Not a bad spread! Now go out there and show some women just how pretty okay you are.